so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
