Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize