If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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