The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
