When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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