Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
