My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
