Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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