I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
