i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
