so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
