my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
