Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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