WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
