I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
