I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
His nipple licking is glorious
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