people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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