This is not my ceiling
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
