It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
