I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
