Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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