hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
