Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm like, not good at living.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
