I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
