In America we eat man semen.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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