Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
