Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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