Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
