Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
