I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
