I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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