No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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