when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
