My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
