I think my vagina is haunted
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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