After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
