so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
