just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
