woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
