Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
