Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
