My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
