I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He did a backflip because drugs
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