The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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