How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
