apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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