I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
