I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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