i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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