i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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