Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
